To Our Daughter

You, Alina Joy Brown, came into the world on a Thursday evening that sang of Spring. Outside daffodils began to poke their leaves through the Virginia soil, and blue jays, robins, and larks called their greetings from trees full of swollen branches that are minutes away from exploding with leaves and blossoms. And in the delivery room had the NCAA tournament on TV, because March is March, after all. You arrived fast and yelling, just like your brother. It seems that you have places to go and things to say.

We are so glad you are here. Your cradle and clothes are ready. All of your grandparents and several aunts have had plane tickets booked for months, excitedly waiting to see your face and hold your little hand. Your brother has been practicing saying your name and will surely be glad to shower you with his infinite and enthusiastic attention. The cherry blossoms will be out soon, and we will take you to see them. Before you know it we will get on a plane and land in Saudi Arabia, where your earliest memories will be set to a backdrop of sand dunes and date palms. That will only be the beginning of your adventures. We’re going to live in lots of places, and visit even more. We will see mountains, jungles, castles and oceans together. We will eat exciting and tasty food, and dance to music that you won’t hear on the radio in Michigan or Wisconsin. You will learn to communicate with and love people from many backgrounds. And before any of us know it you will be off having your own adventures, exploring and experiencing this big, beautiful world on your own two feet.

Things will not always be easy. This world can be pretty dark. Injustice and pain can crush in on us from all sides and make it hard to find our way. In all honesty, you have been born into a difficult time in our country and world. Kids were gunned down at their school in Florida just a couple of weeks ago, and none of the grown-ups know what to do about it. The Korean peninsula could be on the brink of a terrifying war, like other parts of the world. And every day we are reminded that women, right here in America, are often treated as second class citizens to men, held back, assaulted, and then ignored. The times, daughter, are dark.

What is so remarkable, though, is that light shines the brightest when the darkness seems to be at its deepest. Within hours of the terrible attack in Florida we saw the kids who were attacked, not a lot older than you, standing up and demanding change, calling for all of us to be better. Just yesterday tens of thousands of kids all over the country stood and marched for change, in solidarity those who are hurting. Just last month the Winter Olympics took place in South Korea, and we were reminded that there is still room for the shared celebration of excellence and beauty, even when the drums of war begin to sound. And seeing the two Koreas march into the opening ceremony under one flag showed us that maybe the guns can remain silent. Maybe there is a better way. And the millions of brave women with the courage to say #MeToo show us just how many people are fighting tooth and nail to give a better world to you and the rest of your generation. Lights shining in darkness, brightly, bravely, and persistently. And the great thing is that light, no matter how small, always overcomes darkness. Light always wins.

And we, daughter, are meant to be part of that light. Jesus told us so himself. He told us that we are the light of the world, and that our job is to shine brightly. We are supposed to do all of the wonderful and mysterious things that light does: to reveal what is hidden, to inspire joy, to illuminate what is beautiful, to bring comfort in the midst of fear, and to spark growth. Our job is to push back against darkness, even and especially when it is at its deepest.

“Alina” means “light,” and our prayer is that you would always shine brightly. We pray that wisdom, truth, joy, and courage will light your path, and that they will empower you to bring light to dark places. And we pray most of all that you will come to know the One who is the source of all light, and that you would draw strength from His voice, just as Lucy did when she heard Aslan’s voice speaking encouragement to her in the middle of deep darkness (that’s from The Voyage of the Dawn Treader. We will read it to you soon). May you know light that you may become light. Courage, dear heart.

We love you immeasurably, and we can’t wait to see what will happen next,

Your Dad and Mom


In which I give thanks from the bike lane…

Every morning tens of thousands of denizens of DC, Virginia, and Maryland roll out of bed and into buses and Metro trains, and are delivered (often efficiently) to their places of work. This twice-daily mass movement of people is a remarkable feat of logistical engineering, especially considering that some of the participants never even glance up from their smartphones while en route. My train arrives, I get on and off. I pay with the swipe of a card. The system takes me where I need to go. Automated efficiency.

But I often get tired of the Metro. I feel like another widget on the conveyor belt of a giant assembly line. An inanimate object, kept inanimate by the hypnotizing glow of my phone, carried by the machine to my place inside the greater machine. I feel claustrophobic.

I live for the days when weather and timing permit me to ride my bike to work. I pedal out of the dark parking garage and into the sunshine, feeling the slap of the cool fall air on my face. I turn right, into the narrow bike lane that provides a (usually) open path through the rush hour traffic.The ride is a straight shot down hill, so I go fast. I always check my brakes before leaving, reminded by a constant tingle in the scar on my arm of a time when my brakes did not serve me well. I arrive at work energized by the exercise, and the thrill of weaving in and out of traffic and dodging pedestrians who can’t look up from their phones to save their life. I’m also heartened by the sights my ride has shown me. I pass kids on their way to school and parents pushing strollers. I’ve seen people walking their dogs. I see crews of road workers and landscapers who have probably been working for hours already. The trees are still adorned with crimson and gold. At quiet intersections I can even hear birds chirping. My ride reminds me that this community through which I travel is a living, breathing place, full of people and animals who are not the lanyard-wearing, coffee-carrying crowd on the Metro.

My ride wakes me up to the beauty of the world I live in, and reminds me of much for which I am thankful.

I am thankful for the birds who stick around despite the autumn cold, bringing music and beauty in the midst of a concrete jungle.

I am thankful for the apartment complex that plants and maintains colorful flower beds along the sidewalks. They don’t have to do it, but they do. And I’m thankful for the guys who weed the beds and water the plants, and for the Spanish I hear them speaking as I zip past.

I am thankful for the Korean immigrant family who run the convenience store downstairs, and for all of the other immigrants who have started businesses that serve this community well. I am thankful for Peruvian chicken, Lebanese kebabs, Italian pizza, and for the smells that waft over me as I ride past. I’m thankful for all of the flavors that contribute to this American feast.

I think about my bicycle, a Trek, made back home in Wisconsin. I am thankful for the ingenuity and craftsmanship that put it together. I am also thankful for the generosity of the Burke family who own Trek, and who funded a graduate fellowship program which made possible much of what I’ve been able to do in life, and who gave me this bike.

I look at the scar on my arm, and I am thankful for the surgeons who bolted it back together after my crash five years ago. I am thankful for healthcare.

I am thankful for city planners and elected officials who see fit to include bike lanes and trees in their vision for their community, cause there’s so much that you just can’t experience on the Metro.

As I lock up my bike and head for the elevator to my classroom I think about Arabic. Last week I learned the words for “optimist” (متفائل) and “pessimist” (متشائم) which got me thinking a bit about those concepts. I am an optimist, and I feel like we optimists are falsely labelled as people who blindly trust that everything will work out for the best. That’s not exactly how I feel about the world. I know that war, famine, earthquakes, hurricanes, and death are real. I also know that human selfishness, ignorance, and laziness often drown out the better angels of our nature in the discussion over solutions. We fail. A lot. But I do believe that things CAN work out, if we put our backs and our brains into it. I’ve seen it on my bike ride. We can build bikes and bike lanes, start businesses, cook amazing food, and fix broken arms. Birds can continue to sing as the winds of November blow hard, and trees can put on an art show better than anything in a museum. And this thick-skulled Mid-Westerner can be taught how to say “optimist” and “pessimist” in Arabic. If those things are possible than surely anything is. An optimist isn’t a person who blindly trusts that it will all be okay. An optimist is someone who looks up, sees the good, and works to make it grow.

So this Thanksgiving I encourage you to be an optimist. Get up out of the physical or spiritual Metro tunnel that you find yourself in, put down the phone, and look around. There’s a lot to see, a lot to be thankful for, and a lot of work to do.

Thanks for reading!

Goodbye, Grampa

The sun is not shining as I walk from my apartment to the metro station. The bright mornings of early autumn have given way the dim grayness of November. The brisk morning air, so invigorating just last week, has grown icy cold fingers that reach through clothing and touch me with an uncomfortable chill. The birds are leaving. The trees are shedding their beauty, preparing for the long sleep of winter.

My memory goes back to the family gathering from which I have just returned. Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Second Cousins, Sisters, Parents. A rowdy crowd, packed into a small house, laughing, singing, eating, telling stories. It’s difficult to imagine that such a gathering could feel empty given the amount of genuine love we have for one another, but this one did. My grandfather was not there. He had taken his leave of this world a few days earlier, and we had come together from all over the world to say a final farewell. His chair sat, and sits, right where it always had. The paper nearby. The reading lamp ready. It looks for all the world like he has gotten up simply to walk into the next room. All weekend long I found myself expecting him to come around the corner, perhaps suggesting that we eat a bowl of ice cream, probably singing a jolly song. But he never returned to the room.
grandpa's chair

We spent these days hearing and telling stories about him, at the funeral, during the visitation, and in quiet family conversations. He was a good man who lived a good life. He served faithfully whenever the call came, even when it wasn’t glamorous. During the Second World War he was called to serve, but this call did not send him to the front. He performed the thankless (yet important) bureaucratic task of filling out reports in an office on a base in North Carolina. After the war, and after many hours in college and seminary spent studying the words of Jesus, he with his wife (my Grandmother) and infant son (my Dad) boarded a ship for a country that many people at the time may not have been able to easily find on a map. They went to Pakistan because they took seriously the charge given by Christ to go to the ends of the earth and make disciples. They served faithfully and humbly for 35 years, distant from family, facing physical, emotional, and spiritual challenges, and forgoing earthly riches (the book is available here. It’s a great read).

They returned to the U.S., continued to be active in lots of ministries, and spent a lot of time loving their kids and grand kids. Their nuclear family has given the world pastors, professors, medical professionals, aid-workers, writers, poets, musicians (amateur as well as professional), entrepreneurs, and artists. It is a hard-working, humble, optimistic, and passionate group of people who make the world brighter, and who love their kids and nieces and nephews with a love that has been deeply influenced by the devotion that my grandparents gave to their kids and grand kids. Through their humble faithfulness to callings both big and small my grandparents have constructed the foundation of a truly remarkable building.

My grandfather died at home, after many months of illness, and after having recently spent time with each of his children, and having just met two of his youngest great grand children in recent weeks. We believe, as he did, that death is a door, and that he has passed through that door into the loving arms of Jesus. We look forward to seeing him again when the time comes.

These are just some the pieces of the story that we have heard repeated over and over again in different ways over the past week, and that we celebrated. We laughed almost as much as we cried. We celebrated even as we mourned.

And yet, I still feel sad. The sky remains gray. Because, as good a life as my grandfather lived, and even though his impact will continue to echo through the years, and as much as I truly do believe in eternal life, he is still gone. I won’t see him smile as I tell him stories about my latest overseas adventure. He won’t tell me any more stories about his adventures. I won’t hear him sing about the old family toothbrush, or tell me how “Fuzzy-Wuzzy was a bear” (Fuzzy-Wuzzy had no hair. Fuzzy-Wuzzy wasn’t fuzzy, was he?). He won’t meet my daughter, or be someone who my son remembers. And that hurts like the dickens.

Christianity teaches me that death will not have the final word. But death still hurts terribly, both for those who experience its approach and for those who remain in its wake. It’s an awful thing. So we need not dismiss the pain by saying that death is inevitable so we shouldn’t be upset by it, or by claiming that the reality of eternal life somehow takes the sting away. Death hurts, and sometimes there is nothing to do but look up at the gray sky that reflects our mood and let the tears flow.

And how do we go forward? How do we keep getting up in the morning in the face of so much inevitable pain and loss? My Uncle Stan shared during the funeral that as a young man at boarding school he had faced some challenges. He wrote about it to my grandpa, who replied to Stan with words of encouragement, advising him to stick it out and not become discouraged. To faithfully stay the course, doing what he knew to be right. My grandpa knew a thing or two about faithfully staying the course. So for today, and tomorrow, I will stay the course as well, continuing to put one foot in front of the other, and doing so with a song on my lips and a joke at the ready.

And it just so happens that Grampa left us with a poem that is perfect encouragement on days that are hard to face. Many thanks to my dear sister Melanie for reminding me of it earlier this week. In my mind I will always hear it in my Grandpa’s voice, and I now share it with you:

It Couldn’t Be Done
By Edgar Albert Guest

Somebody said that it couldn’t be done
      But he with a chuckle replied
That “maybe it couldn’t,” but he would be one
      Who wouldn’t say so till he’d tried.
So he buckled right in with the trace of a grin
      On his face. If he worried he hid it.
He started to sing as he tackled the thing
      That couldn’t be done, and he did it!
Somebody scoffed: “Oh, you’ll never do that;
      At least no one ever has done it;”
But he took off his coat and he took off his hat
      And the first thing we knew he’d begun it.
With a lift of his chin and a bit of a grin,
      Without any doubting or quiddit,
He started to sing as he tackled the thing
      That couldn’t be done, and he did it.
There are thousands to tell you it cannot be done,
      There are thousands to prophesy failure,
There are thousands to point out to you one by one,
      The dangers that wait to assail you.
But just buckle in with a bit of a grin,
      Just take off your coat and go to it;
Just start in to sing as you tackle the thing
      That “cannot be done,” and you’ll do it.

Regarding why we do it. (Home Leave Reflections: Part 3 of 3)

We have spent most of this summer taking a long vacation that the State Department requires all Foreign Service families to take in between tours of duty. The Foreign Affairs Manual states that “the purpose of home leave is to ensure that employees who live abroad for an extended period undergo reorientation and re-exposure in the United States on a regular basis.” We have been on the road for six weeks, visited 18 states, and seen a lot. This short series is my effort to tell you what I learned during the reorientation. Read part one here.

The journey has ended, at least for the moment. The car has been emptied and the suitcases stowed under the beds in our Arlington apartment, waiting to be loaded up again for our move to the Middle East in a little less than a year. Books have been put on the shelves, and pictures on the walls. We are home, for now, as much as any Foreign Service family is ever really at home. K and J explore local parks and libraries. I have become another one of the countless lanyard-wearing coffee carrying workers who scurry through Metro stations every day to staff the desks and sit in the conference rooms of our Nation’s Capital.

My mind often wanders back to a breakfast we enjoyed on an August morning in the middle of our trip. It was at a small restaurant in the neighborhood I grew up in. The building was once home to a bagel shop, before switching to a sandwich shop, both cookie cutter chain places. Now it’s an independently owned juice and sandwich shop, run by a family who hail from Mexico City originally. They serve up fresh smoothies and “aguas frescas,” along with a decent selection of breakfast treats that made us feel right at home. I chatted with the owner for a little while. He moved to the U.S. when he was young. Spent years waiting tables and washing dishes, saving up to be able to start his own business. Now he’s done it. The food was amazing . The company was even better.

I spent an awful lot of time over the last two years working on Immigrant Visas. The work can be challenging, and repetitive. It can come to feel a bit mundane. What makes it come alive is the awareness that each and every case represents the story of someone who is on a journey. Looking for something better. It was neat to wander into this little restaurant and encounter someone who had already been on that journey, and who is now living out the American dream, and making one part of our country a little bit brighter and tastier. It was neat to be reminded of why the work matters.

Now, as I ride the metro every day, and sit in Arabic class, attempting to get my head around the difference between ح and ه, it is tempting to fall victim to how mundane it feels. I liked our long road trip, and I liked being in the mix of things in Mexico, and I’m not sure I’m built for sitting in a classroom.

So I return, in my mind, to that little juice shop. I think about what a joy it was to speak Spanish with the owner. I hope I will eventually be able to do that in Arabic. To explore new perspectives and build new friendships in a way that only shared language allows. Language is a door to all sorts of exciting things, and I get excited when I think of the hundreds of Officers like me who are now studying dozens upon dozens of different languages. I think of the work they will do using those building blocks of vocabulary and grammar. The problems that they will solve, and the bridges that they will build. Nelson Mandela said “If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in HIS language, that goes to his heart.” These officers will be able to speak to the hearts of many by the time they finish their course work.

So I won’t fall victim to routine. I will remember that the work we do overseas has an impact back home, whether we see it or not. Everything is connected. And I guess that’s why we keep going with the endless and often frustrating cycle of packing, unpacking, goodbyes, hellos, unfamiliar places, new routines, and longing for what is left behind. We do it because we understand that everything is connected, and that our job is to use those connections to make the world a bit better. And sometimes that starts with figuring out the difference between ح and ه.

Regarding things that are bigger on the inside than they look on the outside (Home Leave Reflections: Part 2 of 3)

We have spent most of this summer taking a long vacation that the State Department requires all Foreign Service families to take in between tours of duty. The Foreign Affairs Manual states that “the purpose of home leave is to ensure that employees who live abroad for an extended period undergo reorientation and re-exposure in the United States on a regular basis.” We have been on the road for six weeks, visited 18 states, and seen a lot. This short series is my effort to tell you what I learned during the reorientation. Read part one here.

On a quiet street in Rochester, NY, there is a small house that appears quite ordinary. Two stories, one car garage, basketball hoop in the driveway. It looks like so many other houses on so many other streets in America. One could probably drive by without taking much note of it. From the outside it does not seem particularly special.

The opposite could not be more true. When I step into this house I am reminded of the truth that a home is more than the four walls and a roof that make up a house. This house, like that old coat closet in “The Lion, The Witch, & The Wardrobe” is a gateway to something magical. It is bigger on the inside than it looks from the outside. For it is this house that was the stage for many of my earliest memories. It was here that my cousins and sisters and I would play tag and hide-and-seek in the yard and the basement. It is here that we would take turns hurling ourselves onto the floor from atop a bunk bed. It is here that countless hours were dedicated to lego construction projects, jigsaw puzzles, and board games. It is here that my Uncle and Aunt have lived since the 1980s, and where my Grandparents came to live with them in recent years. Every wall has pictures of my loved ones on it. Every room holds memories for me. This is a place where I have talked, played, sang, argued, and grown in the company of many people who have shaped the person that I have become.

This house contains far more than its modest appearance would have you believe.

Most families, like most houses, do not appear particularly noteworthy from the outside. They are ordinary people who get up and go to work or school, church and football on the weekends, an occasional cookout or vacation. Yet each family, no matter how ordinary they appear, is a living vessel of stories. These stories may be of joy, pain, humor, tragedy, redemption, or all of it mixed up together. And if earthquakes, hurricanes, fires, wars, cancer, and death teach us anything, it is that shared stories are what most endure in this world. When everything else is destroyed our stories remain, to remind us of who we are and to keep us going. Family, whether it is created by birth, adoption, marriage, friendship, or foreign service assignment, is how we keep stories alive. Family, it turns out, is far bigger on the inside than it looks from the outside, and it gives us access to something magical and essential.

There is much in the life of a Foreign Service Officer that does not endure for long. We move often. We have to make new friends. Learn new jobs. Adjust to new climates, cultures, and diets. We can feel like tumbleweeds. This is one of the reasons that home leave is important. It gives us time to remember what keeps us rooted. It’s walking through a prairie with my Dad, and watching the Packers with my Mom. It’s asking my Grandparents questions about what things were like during the Great Depression. It’s huddling around old family photographs with K’s relatives, and trying to identify the old lady in a bonnet in a faded black and white photo. It’s standing in front of a church congregation, and pledging to pass along to J the same heritage of faith that has been passed to us, going back many generations. It’s watching as he spends time with grandparents, great-grandparents, aunts, second cousins, great-aunts and uncles, and knowing that he is a part of this story, even if he doesn’t yet understand what that means. It’s arriving back in Washington DC and finding members of our Foreign Service family waiting to hear our stories and tell us theirs. It’s the awesome joy we feel at the approaching arrival of a new baby, knowing how much they will be loved by so many people.

We are all part of a story. Regardless of the damage wrought by hurricanes (literal and figurative) and the uncertainty piqued by change, we all belong. It’s important that we keep stepping through the doors of those unassuming houses, entering Narnia, finding our family, sharing the old stories, and adding new ones. It’s what keeps us going, and lets us maintain roots even as we spread our wings.

What I saw in America (Home Leave Reflections: Part 1 of 3)

We have spent most of this summer taking a long vacation that the State Department requires all Foreign Service families to take in between tours of duty. The Foreign Affairs Manual states that “the purpose of home leave is to ensure that employees who live abroad for an extended period undergo reorientation and re-exposure in the United States on a regular basis.” We have been on the road for six weeks, visited 18 states, and seen a lot. This short series is my effort to tell you what I learned during the reorientation.

It’s awfully easy to read the news about America and feel a sense of hopelessness. Hurricanes hit, floods rise, mobs take up torches to preach hatred, and nothing seems to improve. The news is full of noise, and that noise does not often make America look like a wonderful place.

But what I saw in America this summer does not match what I see on the news. I saw a big, beautiful country, full of hardworking and hard-playing people who are making the best of what they have.

I saw people of all ages at the Iowa State Fair, showing off and admiring all manner of cow, pig, sheep, horse, and goat. I saw creativity exhibited in handmade quilts, furniture, dollhouses, and foods. The whole place, miles and miles of it, was an utterly unpretentious celebration of a big community and their hard work. I saw the pride that they take in what they do, and it inspired me to take pride in my own undertakings.

I listened to a four year old girl, the child of dear friends, passionately boast about the beauty of her backyard chickens. She reminded me of how important it is to love fearlessly and without shame.

I saw kids, black, white, and Latino, playing tag on a splash-pad at a park in Wisconsin. They were seeking escape from the heat, and finding a sense of community that we should all aspire to. They gave me hope that community can be built, despite our troubled history and present.

I saw entrepreneurs at work, at a deli in Rhinelander, a donut shop in Grand Rapids, and a daycare in Ames. People with remarkable gifts who are turning their talent into something that benefits their community.

I listened to a brass band on the street in New Orleans, playing tunes of such heart rending foot stomping joy that I thought the dead might jump up out of their graves and start dancing. They kept playing, even as a thunderstorm came rolling in. Celebration is among the most important things that we do.

I saw a crowd of people pack onto a beach and sit on the cold ground in South Haven, MI, to watch the sun setting over Lake Michigan. No music or fireworks. Just the simple rotation of our planet through space, creating an incredible show. A few days earlier the country had paused to look upward as the moon blocked out the sun. A moment of peace, reminding us of how small we really are. I remembered that I am not the center of the universe, and that realization is liberating.

I watched video of citizens knocking over a statue of a Confederate soldier, removing a symbol of a time when African American people were told, directly and indirectly, that they belonged at the edge of our society. I am called to love my neighbor, and sometimes love requires us to rip down idols of the past that prevent unity in the present.

There were moments of fear and pain this summer. We saw Nazis march in Virginia, and hurricanes rush across warming oceans and destroy lives. Yet always, in the wake of human and natural destruction, there followed armies of people responding in love. Nazis are met by those fighting for justice. Storm victims are offered shelter, and help rebuilding. America is full of people who refuse to turn tail when things get hard, but rather run forward, into the mess, hoping to help. I want to be like them, because it is right, and because we’ve got a heck of a lot of work to do.

The news may be full of noise, but it doesn’t reflect the America I saw this summer. I’m glad I took the time to look.

Regarding Hometown Movie Theaters…

They say you can’t go home, and they might be right. We recently spent a few weeks in Madison, WI, which is the city where I spent the latter part of my childhood. It’s been my hometown for more than twenty years, but going back after a two year absence was a bit jarring. Streets and buildings had changed. The old pizza place by the mall isn’t a pizza place anymore. The music shop I would spend hours perusing the racks is an empty storefront. The video rental store where I worked after college has gone the way of the dodo (done in by Netflix), and the unique group of people who used to work there have scattered to the four winds. The corner bar where we used to gather after closing shop at midnight has been turned into a pancake restaurant.

The most jarring experience may have been going to the neighborhood movie theater. I  have loved movies since I was a kid, and Point Cinema, with its stiff seats and sticky floors, was a temple for me. I was excited to come here with my wife for a date. But I felt lost as soon as we walked through the door. The box office wasn’t where it was supposed to be. The refreshment stand had moved and they had built a big fancy restaurant. We went into the theater itself, and the seats were all leather recliners. The floor wasn’t even sticky! What was wrong with this place? Who went and ruined it? Don’t they know how special this theater was? It was here that I went on my first parentless outings as a Middle-schooler to enjoy such 90’s gems like “Batman & Robin” and “Bean“. This is where I came to see “Saving Private Ryan” with my dad, and felt an encounter with American history that stays with me to this day. This was the frequent destination when I first learned how to drive, and where I would try to come when I knew friends were working the box office so that they could charge me cheaper admission. This is where I saw “Spiderman” the night it opened which was the weekend of Senior Prom. A friend took the movie so seriously that he wore his rented tux to the premier. It was here that I saw Maximus Decimus Meridius (commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor Marcus Aurelius, father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife, etc.) kill the usurper Commodus. It was here that I saw the penguins march, and Harry Potter take that first flight on his broomstick. Frodo carried the ring to Mordor, and the Fast and Furious sped through the streets of L.A. right here on these silver screens. So many movies, good and bad. So many moments with friends and family. I love this theater in a very special way. Why did they have to change it?

Image result for maximus gladiator cry

Coming “home” is a tricky business for those of us who move around a lot. Our hometowns tend to live inside our memories as an idealized version of themselves. In my mind Madison exists about the way it did in the summer of 2002, when I graduated high school and was still driving a ’91 Honda Accord way too fast, back seat full of friends, to Point Cinema on Friday nights. Afterwards we would go to Perkins which, being one of the only places on that side of town where minors could hang out after 10 PM, was guaranteed to be full of more friends. That Madison is deeply etched into my memory, probably prettier and more perfect than it ever was in reality. Now, when I go back, part of me expects to find that same place waiting for me. And I don’t find it. People grow up and move on. Old buildings come down, and new ones are put up. Movie theaters are modernized. The people who live here are able to adjust to these changes as they happen. But those of us who return after prolonged absence find ourselves shocked and disoriented. We feel a bit lost, unsure if we can still call this place home. We question whether our memories are grounded in reality or are just fictions we have spun out of a combination of homesickness and malaria drugs.

Thankfully there remain touchstones to remind me that it wasn’t all just a dream. Spending time at my parents’ house, with its family pictures, delicious food, my old toys (now enjoyed by JJ), not to mention my parents themselves, gives me as much assurance of the past as it does joy in the present. Taking a sip of Spotted Cow ale, that rare delicacy not available for purchase beyond state lines, opens up worlds of memory to me. The taste transports me to the Memorial Union Terrace where I spent at least a thousand happy evenings with friends, watching the sun go down over Lake Monona. It reminds me of weddings and graduation parties, where it was the first and only beer anyone would think of serving. Visiting with those friends, even though we are all older, and even though our cars all now feature baby car seats, and even though our get-togethers are early morning play dates instead of late night mischief sessions, is wonderful. We grew up together, and the connections remain strong despite time and distance. And we still enjoy a Spotted Cow from time to time.

The Madison of my childhood and adolescence is essentially gone from the world, so in one sense I can’t go home. The places remain, but the context in which it exists is different. Still the memories remain, bound to earth and my mind by familiar people and objects, and stories told over and over again. So in that sense I can take a trip home simply by watching an old movie, or taking a sip of beer, or making a phone call. And sometimes…when the weather is too hot, and the bureaucracy of the State Department is giving me migraines, and the Spanish language is making me dizzy…sometimes that short glimpse of home is just enough. Like the good witch said to Dorothy, home is something we always have the power to find, provided we keep our Ruby Slippers close by. Home is more than a place. It’s a state of mind that comes from memories and relationships, and as long as we keep those close, we can always go home.